Our foster kids finally got a CASA assigned to their case. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate. This person is highly trained (they go through about the same amount of training that we do as foster parents) and a volunteer. Their job is to be involved in the case by talking with the kids, parents, foster parents and caseworkers and then speak for the children in court. Their opinions are usually taken very seriously in court, so a good CASA can make a huge difference for kids in foster care.
We met our CASA this week. She is a grandma with grand kids about the same age as our foster kids. She is very experienced and the kids loved her. I had a chance to sit and talk with her alone while my caseworker kept an eye on the kids (how awesome is that???). I had a chance to share with her what the kids were like when they got here and some of their behaviors and anxieties that still persist. She was very perceptive of the kids- for example, she noticed right away that Sue ran to the door when she and the caseworker arrived, but then backed up when she saw a stranger. This is a very big deal because a lot of foster kids have little to no stranger anxiety because they have been passed around so much. I told her that when they first got here they would try to wander off with random people or crawl up into strangers' laps in waiting rooms, but now they understand that they need to stay with our family.
This weekend we went to our neighborhood pool. When Happy and Sue first got here last summer, taking all 5 kids to the pool was kind of a nightmare. Happy and Sue had no experience with a pool, so they couldn't even handle themselves in the pool with a life jacket. Sue and Bunches were so small that they needed constant supervision anyway. Add to that Happy and Sue trying to wander off with random people and you have a very stressful pool trip.
Well, this weekend was completely different. All of the kids are older and can paddle around the pool with a life jacket (except Bunches). And, they all realize that we need to stay together at the pool. We all had so much fun and it was actually relaxing family time instead of a stressful outing. If anyone is looking for us this summer, you now know where to find us!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
All of the sudden...
Many of you know that this has been the most boring foster case ever. We have had lots and lots of appointments- doctors, psychologists, CPS visits, but the actual case has had no movement since we got the kids. Well, all of the sudden things changed.
We had a court hearing with angry parents. We have started to hear the words "termination of parental rights" from attorneys. We have given statements to an investigator into criminal cases for the district attorney's office. So many things that I can't share details here because we have gotten very nervous. We have been exercising extreme caution with contact with the parents throughout this case. This is a little strange because as we headed into foster care, we thought long and hard about our relationship with the bio parents. We wanted to be supportive of reunification, we wanted to influence the parents' lives in a positive way. But, once we got the kids, we could not shake a very uneasy feeling about these parents, so we have been very careful. Now, we are thankful that we listened to that whispering from the Lord to keep our distance.
We still don't know what will happen for sure, but it is really starting to look like this case is headed toward TPR (termination of parental rights). If that happens, CPS will look into placement/adoption for the kids by family members. So far no suitable family members have come forward, otherwise the kids would not still be here. Once the parents' rights get termination, there is a tendency for family members to come out of the woodwork because the parents get desperate to maintain some contact with the kids. We are trying not to worry too much about that, since we are not even at that point yet.
Happy has been processing a lot of what has happened to him. He has been telling a lot of negative stories about home. He has also been telling us that he wants to "stay here at this house with this mommy and this daddy". We are so glad that he is happy and comfortable here, but it is hard that we are not able to tell him anything definitive.
Please pray for:
We had a court hearing with angry parents. We have started to hear the words "termination of parental rights" from attorneys. We have given statements to an investigator into criminal cases for the district attorney's office. So many things that I can't share details here because we have gotten very nervous. We have been exercising extreme caution with contact with the parents throughout this case. This is a little strange because as we headed into foster care, we thought long and hard about our relationship with the bio parents. We wanted to be supportive of reunification, we wanted to influence the parents' lives in a positive way. But, once we got the kids, we could not shake a very uneasy feeling about these parents, so we have been very careful. Now, we are thankful that we listened to that whispering from the Lord to keep our distance.
We still don't know what will happen for sure, but it is really starting to look like this case is headed toward TPR (termination of parental rights). If that happens, CPS will look into placement/adoption for the kids by family members. So far no suitable family members have come forward, otherwise the kids would not still be here. Once the parents' rights get termination, there is a tendency for family members to come out of the woodwork because the parents get desperate to maintain some contact with the kids. We are trying not to worry too much about that, since we are not even at that point yet.
Happy has been processing a lot of what has happened to him. He has been telling a lot of negative stories about home. He has also been telling us that he wants to "stay here at this house with this mommy and this daddy". We are so glad that he is happy and comfortable here, but it is hard that we are not able to tell him anything definitive.
Please pray for:
- Continued safety and anonymity for our family
- For decisions to be made soon so that we can give the kids some answers about their future
- For us to be calm, patient and strong during this emotionally taxing time
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Sibling Bonding
When our foster kids first got here, our middle son Boo had the hardest time with the adjustment. He is closest in age to them, and he is just sensitive to things like that. For example, he cried the first time that he saw his baby brother. It wasn't really the response we were hoping for when we got home from the hospital!
For the first few months the kids were here, we noticed that Angelboy and Boo had adapted an "us and them" mentality. They would play with the foster kids, but if the foster kids did anything to one of our biological kids, they would quickly retaliate because "they were hurting my brother".
Now, eight months in, it has really smoothed out a lot. Today, Boo told me that Sue is a really good sister. When Happy started at Boo's preschool, Boo was so excited to introduce them to "my Happy" and he told the other kids "not to hit him because he is my brother".
I also like trying to spy on the kids when they don't know that I am looking. Sometimes I will get to preschool early and watch the kids on the playground. I often see Boo and Happy playing together, even when there are lots of other friends to play with. The boys also take a gymnastics class. Their classes are at the same time, but they are not in the same class. At the end of the hour, both classes get in a circle together to do a closing activity. Boo always goes and sits next to Happy during this time. I love seeing little things like that so I know that they are bonding, even if it is a slow process.
It is still not perfect- the other day Boo told me that he wants "their Mommy to come and pick them up and take them back to their house". So, clearly he is aware that they are not here permanently. We pray over their little hearts with this whole process- pray that they can love them while they are here, but won't be too hurt if they have to go home. I guess that is pretty much the same thing that I pray for myself too!
For the first few months the kids were here, we noticed that Angelboy and Boo had adapted an "us and them" mentality. They would play with the foster kids, but if the foster kids did anything to one of our biological kids, they would quickly retaliate because "they were hurting my brother".
Now, eight months in, it has really smoothed out a lot. Today, Boo told me that Sue is a really good sister. When Happy started at Boo's preschool, Boo was so excited to introduce them to "my Happy" and he told the other kids "not to hit him because he is my brother".
I also like trying to spy on the kids when they don't know that I am looking. Sometimes I will get to preschool early and watch the kids on the playground. I often see Boo and Happy playing together, even when there are lots of other friends to play with. The boys also take a gymnastics class. Their classes are at the same time, but they are not in the same class. At the end of the hour, both classes get in a circle together to do a closing activity. Boo always goes and sits next to Happy during this time. I love seeing little things like that so I know that they are bonding, even if it is a slow process.
It is still not perfect- the other day Boo told me that he wants "their Mommy to come and pick them up and take them back to their house". So, clearly he is aware that they are not here permanently. We pray over their little hearts with this whole process- pray that they can love them while they are here, but won't be too hurt if they have to go home. I guess that is pretty much the same thing that I pray for myself too!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
First "Incident"
Before we were foster parents, I would sometimes babysit my friend's little boy, "C", while he was still in foster care. Even though I wasn't doing foster care, I knew that dealing with CPS was really crazy so whenever I babysat "C", I preferred to treat him like he was made of glass. I was paranoid that something random would happen to him at our house and he would break his arm or something and then my friends would have to explain it to CPS.
Fast forward to us doing foster care. When you have a child in your house all the time, you can only treat them like they are made of glass for so long. I do exercise a little more caution than I do with our biological kids, but that has mostly worn off.
A couple of nights ago, we had our first incident (with 4 boys in the house, it is going to happen sometime!). It was a normal evening- I was making dinner and all of the boys were running around the house playing. Well, Happy got an injury. (I am still trying to be super anonymous on the internet, so I won't say what it was. It was less than a broken bone, but enough that we needed to visit the doctor).
So, I called the doctor first, then CPS to tell them what had happened. Luckily, the doctor thought that it was no big deal and told me that this kind of thing happens all the time. I got a form filled out by the doctor and my caseworker didn't really seem to care. I was so glad that we have a good relationship with the kids' caseworker and that she knows that I take good care of the kids. But, I was still really freaked about that she would think that I had done something wrong. When you sign up to be a foster parent, you end up having a lot of people that are judging your parenting and you have to answer to them about everything that happens with the kids. I am glad that this situation ended up not being a big deal, and I am hoping that we don't have a second incident any time soon.
Fast forward to us doing foster care. When you have a child in your house all the time, you can only treat them like they are made of glass for so long. I do exercise a little more caution than I do with our biological kids, but that has mostly worn off.
A couple of nights ago, we had our first incident (with 4 boys in the house, it is going to happen sometime!). It was a normal evening- I was making dinner and all of the boys were running around the house playing. Well, Happy got an injury. (I am still trying to be super anonymous on the internet, so I won't say what it was. It was less than a broken bone, but enough that we needed to visit the doctor).
So, I called the doctor first, then CPS to tell them what had happened. Luckily, the doctor thought that it was no big deal and told me that this kind of thing happens all the time. I got a form filled out by the doctor and my caseworker didn't really seem to care. I was so glad that we have a good relationship with the kids' caseworker and that she knows that I take good care of the kids. But, I was still really freaked about that she would think that I had done something wrong. When you sign up to be a foster parent, you end up having a lot of people that are judging your parenting and you have to answer to them about everything that happens with the kids. I am glad that this situation ended up not being a big deal, and I am hoping that we don't have a second incident any time soon.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Six month review
We have been foster parents for over 6 months now. In some ways it seems a lot longer than that- especially when we think about what our foster kids were like when they got here, and the huge progress they have made. In other ways it seems a lot shorter- the plan is that their case will be resolved within a year, and we are already half way there.
A quick update on their case- there is no news! (I told you it would be quick, HA!). Without divulging too many details about the case, it really seems that when there are so many people involved- caseworkers, lawyers, judges, etc, nothing seems to happen quickly. Every time we have had a court hearing, nothing has been decided because someone is in a trial and can't be there, or shows up late, or has a conflicting appointment. And, of course, no one realizes that one of the important people can't be there until everyone else is already. at. court. So they reschedule.
I think the thing that has surprised me the most about doing foster care is how much it would change my own heart. Six months in, and I can tell you that nothing else in my life has revealed my own inadequacies like foster care.
"But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you... for if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?" Matthew 5:44,46
For a lot of us, we don't have many true enemies. Our "enemy" can simply be a friend who talks bad about us behind our back, a grocery store clerk who makes a snide comment during checkout, or a frustrating relative. I never really found it that hard to love those people anyway and it is pretty easy to pat yourself on the back for doing so. But when I was faced with a long list of harm that the biological parents had done to these two children, it was very easy to hate. I've had to continually come back to the fact that every one of us is deserving of God's love. No matter what.
"We love because he first loved us" 1 John 4:19
Unfortunately, my lack of love didn't stop at the biological parents. When we suddenly had two extra children in our home- children that took more energy and attention than our biological children- there were many days that we didn't feel loving. For those of you that have not done foster care, you might find that shocking. But believe me, no matter how sorry you feel for someone's situation, when they throw themselves on the floor in a fit 30 times a day, scream for an hour at nap time and bedtime every day, and have to be watched nonstop because they are purposefully destructive, it is pretty easy to reach the end of your rope.
Fortunately a lot of our foster kids' behaviors are dramatically improved. But this was a really good lesson to me as a parent. The reality is that we are supposed to love others every day, regardless of their action and whether or not they deserve love. That is what Jesus did for us, and that is what we are supposed to do for others. We choose to love because Christ loves us, not because we always "feel" like loving.
As we continue on our foster care journey, I am thankful and humbled at all that God has revealed in my own heart along the way. We went into this thinking that it would be a great way to help some kids that needed a home. I am grateful that God has used this as an opportunity to refine my own heart.
A quick update on their case- there is no news! (I told you it would be quick, HA!). Without divulging too many details about the case, it really seems that when there are so many people involved- caseworkers, lawyers, judges, etc, nothing seems to happen quickly. Every time we have had a court hearing, nothing has been decided because someone is in a trial and can't be there, or shows up late, or has a conflicting appointment. And, of course, no one realizes that one of the important people can't be there until everyone else is already. at. court. So they reschedule.
I think the thing that has surprised me the most about doing foster care is how much it would change my own heart. Six months in, and I can tell you that nothing else in my life has revealed my own inadequacies like foster care.
"But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you... for if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?" Matthew 5:44,46
For a lot of us, we don't have many true enemies. Our "enemy" can simply be a friend who talks bad about us behind our back, a grocery store clerk who makes a snide comment during checkout, or a frustrating relative. I never really found it that hard to love those people anyway and it is pretty easy to pat yourself on the back for doing so. But when I was faced with a long list of harm that the biological parents had done to these two children, it was very easy to hate. I've had to continually come back to the fact that every one of us is deserving of God's love. No matter what.
"We love because he first loved us" 1 John 4:19
Unfortunately, my lack of love didn't stop at the biological parents. When we suddenly had two extra children in our home- children that took more energy and attention than our biological children- there were many days that we didn't feel loving. For those of you that have not done foster care, you might find that shocking. But believe me, no matter how sorry you feel for someone's situation, when they throw themselves on the floor in a fit 30 times a day, scream for an hour at nap time and bedtime every day, and have to be watched nonstop because they are purposefully destructive, it is pretty easy to reach the end of your rope.
Fortunately a lot of our foster kids' behaviors are dramatically improved. But this was a really good lesson to me as a parent. The reality is that we are supposed to love others every day, regardless of their action and whether or not they deserve love. That is what Jesus did for us, and that is what we are supposed to do for others. We choose to love because Christ loves us, not because we always "feel" like loving.
As we continue on our foster care journey, I am thankful and humbled at all that God has revealed in my own heart along the way. We went into this thinking that it would be a great way to help some kids that needed a home. I am grateful that God has used this as an opportunity to refine my own heart.
Monday, January 2, 2012
A Happier New Year?
On New Year's Day, I heard my husband lean over to Sue and say "I hope that this year will be happier for you than last year". And we really hope that is true for both of them. In addition to the huge transition of moving to our home, last year also included all of the events at their parents' house that led them to be placed in foster care in the first place.
December had no changes in their case. We may be able to find out a little more about the direction that their case is heading soon, as CPS is expecting some medical and therapist reports. But, I have been saying that for months and so far nothing has happened. We are doing our best to focus on each day with them, and know that God has a plan for their lives.
We had a great Christmas with all of the kids. Christmas morning was very crazy with all 5 kids. They had a such a great time opening all of their gifts and we loved seeing all of the joy in their faces. Happy and Sue did not seem to have any memories of Christmas at their parents' house. I was a little worried that the holidays would trigger some memories that would make them sad or cause some kind of behavior problems, but they were just so happy and thrilled the whole time.
We have started getting more questions from our biological kids about when our foster kids are going home. It is not that they want them to leave, they just want to be aware of what is going on. Boo decided that the foster kids would be here for 100 days (because he thinks that is a long time) and he will ask "when will they be here for 100 days?". So, now that they have been here for more than 100 days he is not sure what to ask anymore. Since Angelboy is older and understands the calendar, we will tell him that the kids will be here at least until <month>. When we packed up the Christmas decorations and all the kids were sad, we explained that we will take them out next year. Angelboy said "Happy and Sue won't be here next year". So, obviously they are trying to process the unknowns of foster care the same way that we are.
Even with all of the unknowns, we are so thankful to God for all of his blessings on our lives, and we look forward to what is in store for our family this year!
December had no changes in their case. We may be able to find out a little more about the direction that their case is heading soon, as CPS is expecting some medical and therapist reports. But, I have been saying that for months and so far nothing has happened. We are doing our best to focus on each day with them, and know that God has a plan for their lives.
We had a great Christmas with all of the kids. Christmas morning was very crazy with all 5 kids. They had a such a great time opening all of their gifts and we loved seeing all of the joy in their faces. Happy and Sue did not seem to have any memories of Christmas at their parents' house. I was a little worried that the holidays would trigger some memories that would make them sad or cause some kind of behavior problems, but they were just so happy and thrilled the whole time.
We have started getting more questions from our biological kids about when our foster kids are going home. It is not that they want them to leave, they just want to be aware of what is going on. Boo decided that the foster kids would be here for 100 days (because he thinks that is a long time) and he will ask "when will they be here for 100 days?". So, now that they have been here for more than 100 days he is not sure what to ask anymore. Since Angelboy is older and understands the calendar, we will tell him that the kids will be here at least until <month>. When we packed up the Christmas decorations and all the kids were sad, we explained that we will take them out next year. Angelboy said "Happy and Sue won't be here next year". So, obviously they are trying to process the unknowns of foster care the same way that we are.
Even with all of the unknowns, we are so thankful to God for all of his blessings on our lives, and we look forward to what is in store for our family this year!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
December
As we head into December, there are lots of thoughts running through my head about our foster kids. We pulled out the Christmas decorations a few days ago. I planned ahead and placed two new stockings that match our biological children's stockings in the decorations box. And, just as I knew they would, the kids all squealed with delight as I pulled out their stockings. I was feeling pretty proud of myself for helping our foster kids feel just like all the other people in our family. Then, we opened the ornament box. Angelboy and Boo started pulling out ornaments. Then they got to the picture ornaments. We get a new picture ornament for each of our kids each year. It wasn't long before Happy started asking "Where's my picture?". Things like that make me sad for the kids. I wonder if they have any memory of spending Christmas with their parents or if Sue even remembers her parents, since she is so small and hasn't seen them since she was placed with us.
There are some CPS meetings and a court date this month. I don't want to post too many details of their case online, but obviously every time there is court, decisions will be made. The caseworkers, lawyers, and judge will review medical reports, therapist reports (for the kids and parents), and try and set up a plan for the kids' future. Please pray that these decisions makers will see the truth about the case (whatever that is) and be able to make wise decisions for these kids. Most likely it is too early in the case for them to be sent home or for parents' rights to be terminated, but you never really know.
There are some CPS meetings and a court date this month. I don't want to post too many details of their case online, but obviously every time there is court, decisions will be made. The caseworkers, lawyers, and judge will review medical reports, therapist reports (for the kids and parents), and try and set up a plan for the kids' future. Please pray that these decisions makers will see the truth about the case (whatever that is) and be able to make wise decisions for these kids. Most likely it is too early in the case for them to be sent home or for parents' rights to be terminated, but you never really know.
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